what's hurting?

ever have a feeling of disappointment--and not be able to pin down the source? not able to verbalize it? or maybe a sense that something is out of place, or out of order... like something in your living room has been removed, but you just can't figure out what it is. but your gut is telling you, "something's missing"?

the other day i was aerating my lawn with one of those coring aerators... it's a long U-shaped device that has two hollow tubes sticking out on the bottom. when you step on it, it forces the two hollow tubes into the ground. when you pull it back up with your hand, the dirt in those two tubes remains, so you've created two holes in the ground, about half an inch in diameter and an inch and a half deep. then, when you do it again, the new dirt pushes the old dirt out the top, and two 'cores' of dirt pop out.

as soon as i got home with this tool, i started using it on the lawn... about every 6-8 inches I would pop out two cores. so you can imagine how many times i had to do this. after i finished the front lawn, my back was already protesting, and my hand was getting sore. i was pretty determined to finshish, so kept going on the 'middle' lawn and the back lawn.

when i got done, i washed my hands and noticed three very large blisters on one hand, where i had been pulling the tool. these weren't shallow blisters, but really deep and large ones. i guess that was what the pain in my hand was for... to tell me "don, this is hurting; i think you should go get some gloves."

that's the funny thing about pain---it really sucks, but sometimes it's really useful. this applies to both physical and emotional pain. for a good part of my growing up i had to deal with a lot of emotional pain, due mostly to a highly dysfunctional and broken family. so i got pretty good at ignoring that pain... there was really no other alternative. i couldn't make the source of the pain go away, and i couldn't respond to the pain without going crazy, so i just sort of ignored it.

the problem is... once you're an adult, you have a lot more control over the things that cause you pain. and so, that method once so helpful for dealing with pain is actually more of a hindrance. a little emotional sting here... ah, didn't even feel it. accidentally stepped on an emotional hot-coal there... no problem, walk it off. then something hits you between the eyes, and before you can say "i'm okay", you're flat on your back... then you wake up, wondering "what the hell happened to me?" don't want to do that again.

it's usually not as easy as putting on a pair of gloves. maybe it's recognizing that a need you have isn't being met in some way. or maybe something is hurting you worse than you care to admit. or maybe there's a sin in your life that you've been allowing to fester for too long. but there's this pain, and it won't let go of you... that's really not a bad thing. i guess that's the good kind of pain... pain where there's something you can do about it; something to minimize or prevent it next time.

well, i've decided to use gloves more frequently, and my hands are in much better shape. so i *do* have the capacity to learn and change. yipee!